Overthinking Isn’t Love—It’s Control (And We Need to Talk About It)

You know that moment when you convince yourself someone is mad at you? Maybe they took a little too long to text back, or they didn’t use their usual exclamation points, or—gasp—they liked someone else’s post before yours. Suddenly, your brain is spinning, trying to piece together a reason. Did I say something weird? Did they hear about that thing I did in 2017? Are they mad-mad or just regular tired-mad?

Sound familiar? Yeah, me too.

But here’s the truth bomb: overthinking isn’t love. It’s control. And while control feels safe, it actually keeps us locked in a cycle of anxiety, convincing ourselves we need to handle things that aren’t even happening.

When We Assume, We Take Away Their Choice

We like to think that overanalyzing every interaction makes us thoughtful. That if we preemptively solve a problem, we’re being considerate. But real talk? We’re just taking away someone’s autonomy.

If I decide someone is mad at me but never actually ask them, I’m making their emotions about me before they even get a say. I’m controlling the situation by assuming I already know how they feel. And if I act differently because of it—pulling back, over-apologizing, getting weird—it’s not actually about them anymore. It’s about me trying to manage my own discomfort.

Overthinking Is Just Self-Sabotage in a Cute Outfit

And let’s be real—when we do this, we’re also being mean to ourselves. We assume the worst. We believe that if something’s off, we must be the problem. We spiral over things that might be true instead of dealing with what’s actually happening in front of us.

Imagine if we gave ourselves the same grace we give our best friends. If someone doesn’t text back right away, do we immediately assume they must hate me? No. We tell ourselves they’re busy, tired, or caught up in their own world. So why don’t we extend that same kindness to ourselves?

Let’s Live in the Present Instead of Our Anxiety

The solution? Deal with what’s real. If someone is upset, let them tell you. If you’re unsure, ask. And if your brain is serving up worst-case scenarios on a silver platter? Politely decline.

When we stop assuming and start allowing people the space to actually show up in their own emotions, we free ourselves from the exhausting job of mind-reading. We stop playing defense in a game that only exists in our heads. We move from anxious and controlling to open and actually loving.

And that? That’s where the magic happens.

So next time your brain starts drafting a dramatic screenplay about someone being mad at you—pause. Breathe. And remember: real love isn’t about control. It’s about trust. 💖

xoxo, 

Amanda Dare