Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys: The Art of Caring Without Carrying

We’ve all been there. Someone in our life—our bestie, our partner, our coworker—comes to us with a problem, a crisis, or an emotional avalanche that they expect us to help sort out. And because we’re caring, empathetic, and, let’s be real, socially conditioned to be emotional janitors, we immediately start strategizing, worrying, and carrying the emotional weight as if it were our own.

But here’s the truth: Caring and carrying are not the same thing. And if we keep carrying everything for everyone, we’ll eventually collapse under the weight of a circus that was never ours to run in the first place.

The Circus Metaphor: Why We Need It

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is more than just a sassy phrase to throw around when drama unfolds. It’s a mindset shift. It’s the realization that while we can care about someone’s struggles, we do not have to take ownership of them.

• Caring is listening, supporting, and holding space.

• Carrying is taking responsibility for fixing, solving, or emotionally absorbing someone else’s issues.

One leaves us feeling connected. The other leaves us feeling drained.

How Did We Get Here? (A Love Letter to Emotional Labor)

Women, in particular, are often raised to believe that being a good friend, partner, daughter, or colleague means being the fixer. We’re praised for being the glue that holds everything together, for our ability to “do it all.” But let’s be honest—being the glue is just a cute way of saying we’re expected to carry everyone else’s mess and never crack under pressure.

And let’s not even get started on the guilt. The little voice that whispers, If you don’t step in, who will? Or worse, If you don’t help, does that mean you don’t care? (Spoiler: No, it does not.)

The Shift: Holding Space, Not Holding Weight

So how do we shift from carrying to caring in a way that’s healthy, sustainable, and, most importantly, guilt-free? Here’s the game plan:

1. Adopt a Release Phrase

This is where our circus metaphor comes in handy. When you feel yourself stepping into fixer mode, take a deep breath and remind yourself:

• Not my circus, not my monkeys.

• This is theirs to hold, not mine.

• I am here to care, not to carry.

• I can love them without lifting this for them.

Saying one of these phrases (either in your head or out loud) paired with a deep breath creates an immediate pause, stopping you from taking on what isn’t yours.

2. Check In With Yourself First

Before jumping in to fix or absorb someone else’s problem, ask yourself: ✔️ Is this mine to solve?
✔️ Am I helping, or am I taking over?
✔️ Do I have the emotional bandwidth for this right now?
✔️ If I weren’t here, would they figure this out on their own?

If the answer to any of these questions leans toward “I’m about to take on more than I should,” pause and redirect.

3. Set Loving, Firm Boundaries

Boundaries are not about shutting people out. They’re about keeping yourself emotionally intact while still showing up for others. Instead of absorbing someone’s stress, try:

• “I love you, and I know you’ll figure this out.”

• “I can listen, but I can’t take this on right now.”

• “That sounds really tough—how are you thinking about handling it?”

This shifts the responsibility back to them while still offering care and support.

4. Let Go of the Guilt

The biggest hurdle to this whole process? The guilt. We’ve been taught that being a “good” person means shouldering other people’s burdens. But let’s flip that script:

💡 What if real love isn’t about carrying someone, but about giving them the space and confidence to stand on their own?

Because the truth is, when we always step in to carry, we’re actually depriving people of the chance to grow, learn, and build resilience. Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is trust that the people we care about are capable of navigating their own circus.

The Takeaway: Let’s Care, But Not Carry

Women deserve to be cared for, too. We can be kind without being responsible for everything. We can be supportive without being stretched thin. We can love deeply without becoming the emotional dumping ground for the people around us.

So next time someone tries to hand you their emotional baggage, take a deep breath, smile, and remember: Not my circus, not my monkeys. You’ve got your own show to run.